azspot:

Almost a Literalist

Raising awareness for prostate cancer research… Gettin’ my Mo’ on.

They say the first step to resolving your problems is recognizing that you have a problem. Well, here I go. I have a problem, and I’ve had a problem for weeks. I am behaving totally inappropriately, entirely out-of-character, and without respect to myself, my friends, or the life that I lead.

The past couple of weeks it has climaxed with the least acceptable performance of my life on Friday night. It started out well, with some pre-party drinks at the apartment block and visiting friends, showing off costumes, giving out candy, taking pictures… it was going great. Some harmless flirting with cute girls dressed even cuter. You get the picture. At some point, not too long after arriving at the bar, I turned ugly. I have never in my life behaved like this and I never want to repeat it. In fairness, it wasn’t the worst behavior of the night. But I am not concerned with fairness when I consider my own actions. I didn’t physically harass anyone, but the verbal diarrhea that was polluting the atmosphere from my mouth was disgraceful. Propositions of the worst kind were flowing from my lips to any girl I knew. Thankfully, it appears that everyone (from those who I have spoken to and apologized profusely to) found it hilarious or at least entirely ridiculous. I was admittedly not alone, as one friend put it: “you said something to me about how we should go home, and then I turned away and X said something even worse to me”. I believe that in my inebriated state I thought I was being funny, but again I fear that is my subconscious being too kind to my actions. I know I was laughing a lot. I know I said things and immediately thought to myself how utterly despicable and disgraceful that was to say. I don’t know if I’ve spoken to everyone I barraged with my crass presence, and I don’t know if I can remember everyone.

That’s why I am lying here awake at 4:30am. I need to apologize. After that, I need to atone. This can no longer continue. Not four weeks ago I was completely over-the-moon with my life and my behavior (although even then it was branching into unknown territory), and my growing reputation. Now, I fear for the worst. I will do everything it takes to redeem myself.

I really do just rush through life, devil-may-care, nose-to-the-grindstone, oblivious to the immediate present and always thinking more heavily about the past or future. Here I am at law school and I have started to find myself challenging my previously steadfastly-held opinions and values. I’m starting to question whether what has made me who I am is necessarily a hard and fast rule or whether it is fungible and flexible in ways that do not detract from my integrity, honour, or character, but do allow me to function better in society and make me more of a real, mature person.

How much can I trust the world? How much can I trust myself? How much can I trust that if I am willing to pursue something it is innately for the correct, or wise, or honourable reasons? How much can I trust anything, anymore?

I don’t know. I don’t think there is an answer. The longer I live the more I seem to determine that nobody has any other answer than “maybe” or “we’ll see” or “could be”… and I can’t decide right now whether that is absolutely killing me or if it is setting me free. I want so badly for there to be an answer, a right way to live your life, a good path to take forward. The only answer I can find right now is to try whatever I think is right, and learn from my mistakes. I feel silly lately because my innocence has shown itself too frequently, too openly. I have felt exposed. What I think is right is exactly what appears to most people in today’s world to be the innocent, naieve, old-fashioned, ridiculously anachronistic thing to do. I still think it’s right, I just can’t figure out how to explain that conviction.

I want to ask a girl out, bring her flowers on the first date, pick her up at her door, walk her home at the end, and accept the possibility of a kiss good-night as my reward for finding an interest in each other. This isn’t to say that I don’t enjoy a good hook-up, just that if I’m really interested in a girl I want to treat her with respect and admiration. The lust, passion, and desire will come out soon enough—I can’t imagine any longer than a few weeks before reciprocated attraction would have me knocking down her door—but the initial stages should be filled with intrigue, mystery, and the invaluable stage of “getting-to-know-each-other”. I want a relationship, whether it results in love or just a mutual study of human attraction and appreciation—or absolute disaster!

I want to study, socialize, and excel all at the same time. I want balance and I want to succeed, and be unparalleled in success, without compromising the value I place on human interaction and quality friendships. I want to have good, close friends I can count on, and business associates who appreciate me and would back me up if necessary.

But, I also want to experiment and learn about women, life, love, the power of the heart, and also it’s resilience, the taste of failure to better appreciate success, and the bitter taste of animosity to better appreciate friendship. If I regiment my life so carefully that I maintain a satisfying path then I fear I’ll end up older but less mature by virtue of having known few enemies, experienced few failures, adventured too rarely in the avenues of the heart. I need something right now, but I also need to be satisfied with my present. I am not, and it is tormenting me. There is plenty to be satisfied with, but not enough that I have found myself fulfilled. This is a beginning, but that doesn’t mean it should be unsatisfying. I can take more control, but I can also benefit from relinquishing more control to the spontaneity of daily life. If I can find the balance there, I might better understand who I am, and what I am really here to accomplish.

I keep running into the girl I think is awesome in a way that I would want to ask her out and see what she’s like on a date, but not in any situations that allow for even a minutely substantial conversation or the possibility of mentioning that I love talking to her and would enjoy getting to know her over dinner some time. It’s frustrating because I’m just not well-equipped to make snap moves, and if I’m really interested in this girl I’d like to it happen in a smooth transition manner.

But, every time I do run into her I seem to get a big smile, wave, and hello. Regardless of whether she is coming into a classroom where I’m already seated, or if I’m getting off an elevator and there is a bunch of people waiting for it to go up, or if I’m coming into the library and she is sitting at one of the tables, or if I’m coming or going from the gym and she is working out or coming or going in the opposite direction. (Now you might understand what I mean by low-quality conversation opportunities.) Trouble is, given my wishful-thinking habits of old I don’t know whether this is just her being friendly or if it is intended for me specifically. I’ve certainly seen her be friendly to other people in similar ways, but it just appears to happen every time I see her, and not to anybody else in the room when I’m there.

I wish there was some way to know if my perception here is over-confidence that she might like me, too much self-doubt that she would ever like me, or not enough confidence that she does like me. The only way I know of to find out for certain would be to ask her out. If only I could get that one conversation opportunity. Just one.

These things are related, in a causal manner. Off to do some work.

I do believe in insufferable, frustrating, ethereal concepts such as fate, destiny, and luck. I also believe that you make your own luck, you can change your own destiny, and fate is wherever you end up. There is more than one of these for each of us—more than one type of luck, more than one destiny, and certainly many possible instances of fate.

I arrived at school with a plan, with a focus, with a goal, and with an attitude of intent to be the best. I think it is a goal that I am more than capable of attaining. The best isn’t measured exclusively by any one aspect of a person, but by the totality and that is why I think that it is possible. I might not be the best in every class—I may not even be the absolute top in any single class—but I can be thought of well, perform admirably, contribute honourably, and offer of myself endlessly.

I have failed at this, and it has made me sad. Frustrated, because I am falling into familiar traps. I am taking everything a little too lightly. I am narrowing my scope so acutely that I have limited my ability to see the perimeter of what I am involved in, how I am performing, and what I am contributing. I certainly do not want to be a “gunner” or a try-hard, I also don’t want to be a party animal or drunk, nor do I want to be a joiner who forgets about schoolwork. But, in attempting to walk the balance of these things I have yielded to my usual haunts: apathy in school, over-exuberance in socializing, and under-contribution in extra-curricular activities.

I am tired when I feel I haven’t even begun to contribute. I am exhausted when I feel that I have barely scratched the surface of my capacity in studying. I am overwhelmed when I have barely offered a word or a lifted finger in contribution to the community.

This isn’t me. This isn’t the “me” I have envisioned, nor the “me” I am able to offer. My friends, my teachers, my family, even my self, deserve better. I recognize in myself a fear of success, a fear of trying my absolute best and knowing that there is nothing left to give—whether that brings success or less. I am afraid of a ceiling. I am afraid of learning the extent of my fallibility. I am fallible, and imperfect, and incapable of many things, and mediocre at even more. But I can be better than this, here, now.

I need to find me. Now.