Skips Beats Races

Dear Love,

Yesterday, when we went for a walk and talked about the new relationship between us—the one where we are not a couple, but we recognize and respect the great emotional bond we have shared for all these months and remain honest and friendly—I opened up my heart to you one last time and told you the honest truth. I am not, have not been, and will not be angry or upset with you. I can’t. I understand. I don’t know exactly what happened in your mind, but I understand how things could have fallen apart for us in so many different ways. I am so thankful for the time we have shared together, the bond that has grown between us, and the amazing experience of loving you for 8 months. I am so thankful that you entered into my life this way, and so thankful that we will always have this time between us. You are an amazing woman, and a very special person to me. I love you. I will probably always love you, but the way that I love you will change.

You took a deep breath after I said that. You smiled a little. You told me I was “a great person, a really amazing person” for not being mad, for not blaming you. You said “it is so easy to be mad and it can make it easier to deal with things” and that “it is really amazing” that I was handling things this way.

But, you didn’t say anything back to me. I hardly noticed at the time. I was so happy to have had the chance to tell you, in person, how I was treating this and that you had nothing to fear from me. I didn’t notice that you didn’t say anything about how you felt about it.

You haven’t said much about how you have felt about much to do with me for a long time. You have been worried and concerned about me for months without saying anything. You have felt overwhelmed and scared for yourself for months because of all the challenges I have been going through and how close they have hit for you as you stand beside me. You have been feeling trapped. And, you never said a thing. You broke the one promise I asked of you in January when I knew how hard these next months would be: you didn’t tell me how you were doing. I asked. I asked in different ways. I offered assistance to you however you needed assistance. Yet, you said nothing.

I know these things now not because you have told me, but because people have let it slip that you have been saying them for months. “How do you tell someone you love and care about that their problems are too much for you to handle?” you asked friends. Well, you start by honoring their wishes and keeping them informed about how you are handling being so close to the fire. If I had known, we could have managed it. The outcome may not have changed. We may still be broken up today. But, you would have had a better several months. You would have felt less overwhelmed, more in control of your emotions and more safe. I could have leaned on others—I was leaning on others. But, you didn’t see that. You were too close. We didn’t talk about it.

And that hurts. I wanted honesty and openness. I gave that to you. I feel like I hurt you, but there was no way I could have known. I am so sorry, and I am so disappointed.

I will always love you.

SKB