So very disappointed in you.
It’s hilarious to me that I’ve spent a few weeks having no interest in writing on tumblr, but a few things that have happened in the last couple of days have left me wanting to vent my heart out. I’ve been having a great time lately. I’ve been feeling more like myself than I have felt in a long, long time. I am happy, again. It has been longer than I would like to give credit since that was the case. I can’t pinpoint the reasons that I was unhappy, but there were several major, substantial life challenges that I have been weathering for a while now and they each took their toll.
More and more, I realize that one of those reasons was her. I wasn’t happy, because I couldn’t be myself with her. This most recent love stole from me the very thing that made me the person I, and everyone I know, love. I am a unique individual. It’s impossible to put explicitly into words what makes me that way, but I’ll give you a few things: I’m old-fashioned in my concern for integrity and honesty; but, I’m completely open-minded and have love for everyone, who does anything positive, and lives their life to fit their needs and happiness; and, I’m so ridiculously laid-back that most people probably think I’m positively lazy; but I’m motivated and driven to be the last hope of humanity and to realize the solution to the calamity that is the world. I like living. I like the pedantic day-to-day. I like observing people going about their daily routine and laughing at how serious we all are—all the while walking seriously to and from my work and engagements. But, she is a serious person. She is kind, and reasonable, but serious. She cares about her emotions and her well-being first. She has reason to feel that way. She was mistreated once, by a guy who is not me and who I could never be anything like.
Every day I find out something new that makes me feel uncomfortable about what I accepted from her as truth. (1) She told me a few weeks after we’d been dating that a girl I was good friends with had said to her “I’m so glad you two are together, now he can stop liking me!”, and after that I felt there was nothing I could do but stop intentionally seeing my good friend who had misguided ideas about my feelings. But, now that I am single, I find that said good friend believes she said nothing of the kind. (2) She told me when we had just broken up that she had “a friend”. That friend had been warned that despite his announcement of feelings for her, she would not be engaging in anything because she needed to go home and learn how to be herself, on her own, for the summer. Then I recently hear that one of my best friends saw them walking towards school from the train one morning at a conspicuously early hour, just days after I had left the city. (3) To add insult to injury, this was the same guy whose sudden, unexpected presence in her life had originally drawn me to suspicion about her feelings. The same guy who couldn’t look me in the eye when I saw him for several weeks before the end of school, several before we broke up and a few after. That’s character. That’s integrity. That’s what she left me for. That’s her choice and it’s a poor one.
But, it has left me better off. I don’t know if she was jealous, or paranoid, or two-timing. I don’t know if she disrespected me before we broke up, or if that was something she added in for fun after dumping me. But, she treated me in a way I never deserved. It’s insulting. It’s upsetting.
More importantly, it is disappointing. I wanted to be friends. I thought we could be friends. You were there for the most difficult year of my life. I treasured your companionship and support during those months. I valued your character and integrity as you were there for me. Now, I wonder about my evaluation of you. I can’t think of a word I want to say to you. I can’t imagine wanting to speak to you. I can’t even consider wanting to hear anything you have to say. I am so very disappointed in you.
